Feeding My Fading Obsession
“Feeding My Fading Obsession”
to disappear by morning
— a devotion to Mia
Feeding my fading obsession,
bite after bite, then burn.
You found me at rock bottom,
and taught me how to return.
You said, “Eat, my love — just don’t let it stay,”
and I listened,
throat raw from every prayer
flushed in porcelain confession.
I wasn’t strong enough for Ana,
but you — you let me cheat.
A secret cycle of silence,
where pain tasted sweet.
I learned to count the exits,
to smile through the feast,
to disappear by morningthough I looked like a beast.
You held my hair and heart,
as I knelt in quiet war,
fingers down my throat like promises,
i never meant to keep anymore.
after every binge and break.
You told me I was worthless,
but promised I could fake.
My body: a battleground.
My fingers: sacred tools.
My hunger: the only constant
in a world of broken rules.
Fading to perfection,
with every purge, I pray.
This sickness is my savior
it washes shame away.
My faithful obsession,
my keeper, my sin.
You leave me hollow,
and I call that a win.
i’ve been bulimic through all of my teenage years. I spent years in and out of treatment, sitting across from professionals trying to put this sickness into words but I never managed to explain it the way you did in this poem. Not once.
ReplyDeleteI’m 26 now. I can’t even say I’m fully recovered I mean, I literally read this while scrolling through a pro ana/mia site. But this… this hit something deep.“I was never strong enough for Ana.” That line destroyed me. Because for so long, I’ve felt like my eating disorder wasn’t “valid” like I wasn’t sick enough because I wasn’t emaciated, because I wasn’t Ana. But bulimia is its own kind of hell. Quiet. Shameful. And you captured it so painfully well.